Im ALiVe~~~~

When was the last time i blogged.. or even remembered the existence of this site? 2 months ago.. urgh. And guess what, i'm gonna be continuing my studies.....again....duh..

Newae.. I guess, i really have nothing to say in here..all my mind ever thinks about is a 'blank' page. Sometimes, the 'don't-care' attitude is really there to protect oneself, from hurt, harm, happenings, humiliation. Yea the 4Hs. ( I made that up myself) * roll eyes*

And anyway, i'm so lazy in blogging anymore or writing that I can't be bothered to upload any pics. Now there is facebook. Everything's happening in there.. blogs are just way passe now...
Am just typing in this box just to make it 'alive'...

I'll write something again, when it is interesting or worth writing.
Oh by the way, i had a project for my creative writing and was asked to come up with a site.
http://mylifeasa.wikispaces.com
You can edit, view, share etc... I thought it really is interesting, if people do really write down and share what they do for their profession or any interesting moments that happened during work. Even office scandals are welcomed. :P I've started my fair share of myself as a student and a bartender first. Although its a project, i know that if i truly had the passion in 'developing' that site, i would.. maybe? hmmm....

Tata for now...

I want to kill myself........

This is the first time that i will be writing something personal about how i really feel at this instance.

I wanna kill myself. And yes, i really do. Im tired of my life, i do not know how longer i have to go through everything again. Im tired of feeling this 'pain' inside of you, feels like there is a ' hole ' in your heart, that has just been dug out. Feels like, this tingling feeling, of upsets and pain that u can't get rid of. The feeling comes every second. And it feels like you just wanna take a knife and slit it open, dig that pain out, hoping you would never feel it again...

But yes, im still alive now. Because, i give up trying to die. It never works out right, I just tend to hurt myself more, and end myself up in hospital only, where nurses start calling me a silly girl. More to the extreme, doctors, tend to show me more attitude, treating me like a damn fucker, because i tried to kill myself.

Ok, so i can sit here for hours, holding all the pain. But i give up on killing myself . I cant die. I can only hurt myself over n over again. Buts whats the point, it will only be bloody, and disgusting. But i can't guarantee my death, because God would not allow me to. So all i could do, is to pray... ill never wake up. And i would never know about anything...

It's just another stupid phrase im going through my life again now. My studies, my relationship, my car, my future, my dog ( which i almost also thrown into the bin, because i just threw and destroyed everything that reminds me of a person ) But nah... mackie reminds me of just mackie. Becz i have been the one taking care of him, and he has been the one, only one who never left me.

So you see, as long as my brain is sane, im still thinking straight. So hence, im still alive, because i might probably take a bottle or a knife to smash over my brain from thinking.

But what to do, this is bloody life, I'm too tired to even commit suicide, Takes too much energy, and it ain't fun to do it, because its not a guaranteed process. I don't like doing things i know that ain't fun, and will not have a positive outcome.

So i shall sit here, drink my bottle of wine, till i get smashed. Because i hate my nightmares, and i have too many of them these days,it still scares the shit out of me. I even dream i was awake and i saw something, but i knew i was half-aslp. I was just in a really bad R.E.M, and my muscles were so stress, i couldnt even move.

So till then. I went through all this before, i should be able to go through it again.... right?

Hate it.Love it. Experience it.

This year is the most suckiest year of my life.

Firstly i took pains to move into a new place, My car got stuck in the ditch of my driveway and backyard twice. And Mac is a pain in the arse.. to keep barking and nibbling stuff, so i rather keep him safe in my room.

But stupidly, im seldom at home, always went back to his house, and come back like once a week, just for awhile only. So.. i don't socialise much with my sharemates, nor do i see them, nor do i hang out in the living room.

And, Mac barks at night if i wanna go out. But only yest he starting barking as i left the house at night. But before that, my sharemate was pissed off with me, coz i tore the flyscreen to get back into the house, as the stupid wind slam the door on me, whil i was taking out the trash. No keys, no phone no nothing, no one at home. So i guess, that bloody barking was the last straw..

Oh and then what, i lost my pouch, which i swear that it was at my hotel, but it just disappeared on me. So i have no money, cant withdraw, gotta wait for all my cards to be replaced.

Well, and that guy, gave him so many chances, he made me disappointed. Broke his promise, chased me out of his house again, for no apparant reason, Just coz he felt pissed? or felt like it? And we had a fight. Its over.

And so... i have so many idiotic problems in one go. All i just did was to mind my own biz, but they like someone who socialises? And said it was uncomfortable, coz im never home, always in my room.. etc.. and she doesnt noe my personal problems. So im leaving.. either way. Why cant everyone just shut up, and mind their own biz, as long as i dun cross their paths..

Car.. linking... Car..

Recently, my blog is nothing but ranting and swearing..

A public blog as it may be.. but the words ill choose it to be.

Ok.. so ill just talk about the normal life im having. Or rather. so how was my day today??

Ok so my car is in the hands of the mechanic, as i have decided to sort out my car and pay that service for 1K, than rather have to buy a 2nd hand car worth of 10K, knowing that i might have to mantain it again. I might else well save up, and get a Brand new car.

Can u believe the cars here are sooooooooOooo cheap. 25K, i could drive away with a decent car.. gosh. In sg, prob the cheapest car drive away is lke 50-60k. As so what they say, SG is really a place with horrible hidden cost and tax. But then again, that country is small, without protecting its economy, Sg would probably be worth less than a dollar. :X But we are worth more than Msia :) in terms of currency that is. Well, they abandoned us in the first place.. thats their loss.

Talking bout Msia, im starting to stereotype that country. I guess it aint only me, but the Media plays a part. Msia is a cheap place to be, but a corrupted place. That makes one starts to stereotype to its citizens, their language, their behaviors.. Well, they chose to 'kick' us out, but SG has proven to outbeat them. Well, but yea... im not that happy to stay in Sg either. because of the life there.

But to link it all. I start to be very stereotypical to Msians, and PRCs. These are the two parts of races that i dun really like, partially of their bringing up and their attitudes. Oh and not forgetting BKK ( yea i know, talk bout myself) And i for once, get irritated when people assume im related to these countries. Maybe i had been in so much bad experiences with these people.

And sooo... ive just got a call, inclusive of GST, my service of my car cost about 1,067. Because i was prepared to spend about 1,000, i guess the mechanic was not willing to lower the price anymore coz he knew. Blah. whatever, i hate to be seen as a stingy person, coz he did mention that my SO is damn stingy, and reckons i would be the same as well. Its hard to work with a stingy person., sides, the lowest he could prob round it off, was to the lowest thousands. So...? that 67 bucks just give it for his opportunity time that he lost..

So what if Mac has the fleas, i don't treat him indifferent. Unlike some bloody hell..

The funny thing.. :
My dog has fleas. I have flea-bombed my house, and i brought it to his.
Next he flea bomb his.
And stupidly, i told him, Mac still has fleas today.
Guess what?
He put the blame on me,
says its me and my house.

Fucking do your research b4 you point a blame.

Fleas= eggs,larve, pupae, fleas. DUMBass. Don't u even noe ur cycle. If i had the fleas at home, or at lounge, ill be bitten long time ago, ( coz i did, at his house bitten by fleas and at mine, b4 i bombed my place. But guess what? i just got bitten 3 days ago at his house that was when he hasnt flea-bombed his place, but i was fine after i bombed mine.)

He blames im not attentive to Mac. Fuck, i play, i teach, i feed him, set aside 1 hour - 2 hours daily for him. He says i should pour more flea powder on him. EVERYDAY!. ( doesnt one noe flea powder stings? it stings the skin of the dog.) And what help will it do? You'll have to be patient.

He flea bombed his house two days ago, i flea bombed mine a long time. ( b4 i brought Mac to him to stay).
Now today i told him i saw the fleas on Mac, he blamed me. Said it was his house. It could be his, mine whatever, no one is to blame.

Firstly- his house is carpeted all, mine is not.
You vaccume your house, how fucking great is your vaccum?
I vaccum mine, but don't forget, i have floor boards, mine are visible.

I don't fucking point the blame. But he treats Mac like a DOG. ( when he always says its his son).
I don't put a sick 'child' down, even if he is infested with ticks, lices, etc.. i still hold him and cuddle him.
But he, told me SPECIFICALLY, Mac is still infested, his bloody house is already 'clean'.

Fuck that, i hope he gets bitten by fleas and leave marks all on his body. That is.. from his bloody mattress, where i got bitten.

I HATE PPLE WHO TREAT DOGS LIKE DOGS. FUCK IT, in the first place, don't ever think they do not know what u are thinking so you could say anything. They ain't ur animal, but to them, you are the animal. Don't fucking wack or beat them up till they yelp. Go get urself a blow up doll instead.. FUCKERS!!!

Im not welcoming 2010!

Apparently, im single as of the New Year's Day itself, and apparently, my car got stuck in the ditch of my backyard at night after work when i was trying to be a smart alec, to avoid my sharemate's cars by driving right to the end to do a three point turn. Thats when i got stuck reversing, so i drove forward, and got stuck both reverse and forward.

And this is on the 2nd day of New year. So what other shit can i get myself into? Sharemates must have think how dumb i was, because i can see how dumb i am when its like broad daylight, and i see my stupid car at the end of the backyard. But apparantly, i didn't look that dumb when it was at night.

What am i talking about.
A leftover 'suayness' from last year, brought forward to this year.
Fuck the years!