I want to kill myself........

This is the first time that i will be writing something personal about how i really feel at this instance.

I wanna kill myself. And yes, i really do. Im tired of my life, i do not know how longer i have to go through everything again. Im tired of feeling this 'pain' inside of you, feels like there is a ' hole ' in your heart, that has just been dug out. Feels like, this tingling feeling, of upsets and pain that u can't get rid of. The feeling comes every second. And it feels like you just wanna take a knife and slit it open, dig that pain out, hoping you would never feel it again...

But yes, im still alive now. Because, i give up trying to die. It never works out right, I just tend to hurt myself more, and end myself up in hospital only, where nurses start calling me a silly girl. More to the extreme, doctors, tend to show me more attitude, treating me like a damn fucker, because i tried to kill myself.

Ok, so i can sit here for hours, holding all the pain. But i give up on killing myself . I cant die. I can only hurt myself over n over again. Buts whats the point, it will only be bloody, and disgusting. But i can't guarantee my death, because God would not allow me to. So all i could do, is to pray... ill never wake up. And i would never know about anything...

It's just another stupid phrase im going through my life again now. My studies, my relationship, my car, my future, my dog ( which i almost also thrown into the bin, because i just threw and destroyed everything that reminds me of a person ) But nah... mackie reminds me of just mackie. Becz i have been the one taking care of him, and he has been the one, only one who never left me.

So you see, as long as my brain is sane, im still thinking straight. So hence, im still alive, because i might probably take a bottle or a knife to smash over my brain from thinking.

But what to do, this is bloody life, I'm too tired to even commit suicide, Takes too much energy, and it ain't fun to do it, because its not a guaranteed process. I don't like doing things i know that ain't fun, and will not have a positive outcome.

So i shall sit here, drink my bottle of wine, till i get smashed. Because i hate my nightmares, and i have too many of them these days,it still scares the shit out of me. I even dream i was awake and i saw something, but i knew i was half-aslp. I was just in a really bad R.E.M, and my muscles were so stress, i couldnt even move.

So till then. I went through all this before, i should be able to go through it again.... right?